Adjusting

So, I just got back from work. yes, I have a job, just a small one though. I was only gone for 4 hours and it felt like a lifetime. I was so worried about going. I know Chris can handle anything but I so wanted it to be a good experience for him and for Hayden to be easy going. This, of course, didn't happen. Hayden was awake and upset most of the evening. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for Chris, I really want to, but I just can't. I remember the newborn days of trying to figure it all out and handling Tristan at the same time and I remember it was rough for me. It must be even worse for Chris because he doesn't have all the right 'equipment'! I feel so responsible for his awful evening. I think that I tried too hard in the beginning to handle things myself and by never letting Chris do more with Hayden and therefore I've creacted a difficult child. That in itself sounds awful. He is so not a difficult child, he's happy, he's easy-going, he's great... for me. Not to say that he won't get over it or that they won't get used to things but it is an adjustment. I will say that about a week ago we didn't think Hayden would ever take a bottle. I am happy to say that he does... although he is reluctant and doesn't like to. But, he took 3 oz for Chris tonight and that is a huge accomplishment anyway. I know things will get better, I am just incredibly frustrated that Hayden has become so dependant on me to the point of being almost impossible for someone else to take care of. I know that he'll grow up to be well adjusted and just fine (or if he doesn't, it won't be because of this)! I just think that I feel so gully for not doing a better job. I think that even though I may have done a great job as a Mom, I haven't done such a good job as a wife. I think that I've made it hard for my husband and now I'm causing him more stress in the long run which is the LAST think I wanted to do, I was trying to make things as stress-free and easy for him as I could in the beginning and somehow we ended up here. He is a great Dad and he is more than capable. He loves his boys more than I can even describe and I love him more because of this. I just want him to know that and I think that tonight's events have made that hard for him to see. I thought that writing about this would make me feel a bit better but so far no luck. So, I am just going to go to bed and we'll see what happens next time.